July 8th. Have so much to cover, it's a mess.
In fact, its been a bit of a shit storm for months now. Living in Toronto has made working much more difficult than it was when I resided on the west coast. The flights are 6 hours instead of 1, the time away is a week or two instead of a day and my calls are always roaming. And I am always missing home.
Being away takes a toll on your relationship...on any relationship but especially the monogamous relationship of a ho. I have a boyfriend and we are monogamous. Yes. monogamous. And yes, that means that "we" don't sleep with other people, even though, professionally, I do. It means that when I'm out of Dylanland, my love, my body, my sexuality is reserved for him. He gets all the parts, not just the porno parts. And though this fosters a connection that is important, special and works for us, it also where the trouble comes in. Because "technically", well hell, not even technically, just factually, I'm going away for weeks, days at a time to sleep with other people. On camera. For the world to see... to download...to keep on their hard drives and in their dvd cupboards. So I'm away and all we have is the cell phone, ever-roaming and g-chat on my laptop to try and maintain threads of intimacy...
A few days in a no matter how well the shoots are going, I'm usually pretty knocked out which compounds on all the distance. I'm craving a non-porn person in my life to sit and talk about "real life" things with me and remind me that I have school work and that I need to get some sleep or I will get weepy. I might already be weepy. Sexin is hard work and when its done and the amazing adrenaline rush is gone, what's left is often kind of dark. The non-pornys in my life fill up that space with their chatter and love. When I'm in L.A. or New York however, I don't always have a friend around and so I end up being weepy with...my boyfriend. Poor guy. Sometimes I wonder how he deals. Sometimes I feel like a lot. All tales of empowerment aside, I occasionally sit and ponder my location in society and remember how complicated my choices are. How non-normative I am. When I think of what it must be like to try and create a steady relationship with all those complicated choices in the mix, I feel for his effort, I really do.
You hear so many stories about suitcase pimps and the male heads of sex trafficking rings and men who beat their girlfriends into sex work. These stories exist for a reason. These men are so devious and terrible and care so little for women that they abuse, act coercively and use women to sate their own financial and social agendas. I have known some and I have seen women destroyed by some. I, so thankfully, am not with one of these people. Though sex work has wreaked some unmeasurable amount of havoc on my relationship these past years, it has oft been a source of strength and love and support. My boyfriend has worked very hard to stick by me, encourage me and always provide for my choices in this business. He's never directed me or forced me or given me ultimatums...and consequently I have been able to find myself...
And it's Summer in Toronto...and I find myself working about twice a month-ish. Knee deep in University... grad school anxiety, an assembly line state of being... and trying to get shoots in there all the while. I would love to work more... but is it worth it? The flying...the being away...the being Dylan... I love my job but right this moment, I would love it to be less messy...
